


we stay possessed by what we've lost

by icemachine



Category: Doom Patrol (TV)
Genre: M/M, Pre-Canon, Religious Guilt, i self project my trauma onto larry ... 2!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2020-07-12 14:02:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19947343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icemachine/pseuds/icemachine
Summary: What makes a story good? What makes someone feel empathy for another person? Why are people selfish? Why does the world hurt so much? How can anyone ever heal? Where is God in all of this? Who can fix the unfixable scars of trauma?Many have tried to find the answers to these questions, as these phenomenons date back to the beginning of time, but no philosophical epiphany can ever mend the mind of Larry Trainor.





	we stay possessed by what we've lost

What makes a story good? What makes someone feel empathy for another person? Why are people selfish? Why does the world hurt so much? How can anyone ever heal? Where is God in all of this? Who can fix the unfixable scars of trauma?

Many have tried to find the answers to these questions, as these phenomenons date back to the beginning of time, but no philosophical epiphany can ever mend the mind of Larry Trainor. Even if it was possible to sew Larry’s mind up, to drain the suffering out & stuff in a healing salve - he wouldn’t deserve it.

He tries to remove the memories surgically, cuts himself up & _ hopes that the pain will spill spill spill out -  _ instead—

Instead it forces its way back—

_ Someone is holding Larry’s head underneath the water.  _ He does not know why but he knows that he deserves it, because God does not look kindly upon those who sin without repentance & Larry has committed the ultimate sin, the most reprehensible downfall - he has felt, and given in to his feelings, and now someone is holding his head underneath the water. This is the end. He should be terrified of burning; he has burned in holy fire since his birth, since he was first formed in the womb, and he knows burning like he knows how to tie shoelaces or read a book or slice himself open - natural things, instinctual things, amen.

The water boils and Larry boils from the inside out; he’s struggling to remember a prayer, any prayer his mind can settle on, any useful prayer that is strong enough to Save Him—

He is forced back into the alive world, where everything is bright and merciless, and his wife is sleeping next to him; perhaps the water would have been easier than  _ this,  _ he would deserve the eternal rotten torment but it would hurt less

than

this. 

Forcing himself to be something---to be  _ something.  _ Something that will not ruin his parents’ reputation in their Church, something that will not tear apart his family, something easily salvaged from the ruins of Larry’s torched city, something that God will be inclined to forgive.

Is it possible? Is anything possible in this story? Is the story good yet? Is it engaging? Is it a tragedy, gold-bound? Is there anyone who can help? When does the story end?

In every version of the story, it ends here: with a vast system of stars, a place where the loneliness will accept the lonely, where Heaven should reside---where Larry will reside, in the future, when he is clean, when he has successfully washed the impurity out of him. He knows that when he comes back down, everything in his life will change. The skies will change him. For better or for worse, he does not know. Will it cure him? Can he be cured?

In every version of the story, it ends here: John Bowers in his arms, John Bowers pressed against his body, John Bowers far away, Larry’s body yearning for John’s in the unlovable way, Larry in the unlovable catacombs of living and John Bowers far, far away.

In every version of the story, it ends here: in fire. Always in fire. As Larry’s body burns in the crash: this is Hell, this is his final eternity, where he knew on instinct he would visit in the afterlife. He is in Hell, and Hell has embraced him. This fire is what he deserves. This fire is his punishment, entirely justifiable, for he has done the abhorrent act of loving.

And—

And—

**NO,**

says a voice, alien, within him,  **NO,** and his eyes are opened, and visions of green fields flow through his mind. 

In every version of the story, it ends here: Larry climbing from the deserved fire. This is where the story should end, this is the moral ending. 

The unknown voice sounded like his younger fantasies of a kind God. But—

But he climbs from the fire, and meets John Bowers, and enters the world again, reborn.

**Author's Note:**

> did i meet god? can anyone ever meet god? does god exist in a form that we can comprehend? at the end, larry and i merely hope that we can find love in our beliefs. maybe god knows justice in a loving way. guess we'll find out, won't we?
> 
> did larry hear god at the end of this fic, or was it a spark of development? you decide


End file.
